For so long

10:01 PM

I am happy now. Maybe not as happy as I had been once or maybe not as happy as I could be in the future. However, this feeling of happiness is in the present. A feeling of joy and content. To think I nearly could never feel this way before.

It has been awhile. The uproar caused by a person who once lived. Yes, a suicide is a horrible thing. But is it really stupid?

To end one's own life is terrible. But why is it a must to say that, to conclude that the person was stupid in ending their own life?

How can you judge the person? Are you qualified to say that? Were you in their shoes?

Once, I myself nearly did it. I confessed that it was due to my own selfish reasons. Will you deem me stupid and useless and not thinking of God, of His retribution to those who commits suicide?

All thoughts of uselessness were in my head at the time. The knife held firmly in my hand. The target was my left wrist. Yes, you cower, you shudder, you're surprised, shocked. You may be thinking, "This girl is crazy." "She's pitiful." "She's seeking attention."

I was thinking how useless. Why was I born? Why didn't I die? I was a weak baby, wasn't I? I wasn't hospitalized but I was born before I was actually due to come into this world. Yet, I fought. I wanted to live to see what is in this world.

It was in Form 4. A friend did noticed the scars on my left wrist. I brushed her off. Because I sensed nothing but disgust in her words, in her voice. She wasn't pitying me but she was inclined to preach, to show how she herself would never do such a thing. To show me that it was a stupid, terrible and useless act.

I lived on till now because I promised myself that until I see right, until the time really comes, then I'll put an end.

Why would you say the person who died of suicide, a stupid person?

I call them brave. They knew the pain of the act, they knew that they wanted to go. They accepted death willingly. Would you have the courage for that? Will you willingly accept Death at your door?

Yes, your God says do not waste the life that was given to you. No one but God should take your life. But ask yourself this. What are your words really saying?

By using God in your sayings, you are actually saying, "I represent God therefore I'm telling you this."

Please stop using His words as yours. You are not Him. The person is already gone. He/She is not there to listen, to read your sayings. Save your breath, stop trying to show that you care, when you never did before.

Suicidal persons are people who have lost hope, are people who have hope.

They lost hope and give up. These are the people who really wanted to go, they don't want to live any more. They think, "Yes, I'm useless and horrible. Everyone won't remember me when I'm gone."

They have hope and want to go. They think, "Please, let this world be a better place for others, without me. I cause nothing but trouble. When I'm gone, I hope everyone will be happier."

The person who had left, with the hope still fresh in their mind, let them rest in peace. Don't say that they are stupid and useless. Who are you to call them that?

You never cared. Remember. Was there a moment in the past. That the person suddenly approach you, wanting to tell you something? But you were busy, you didn't care.

Remember. Was there a moment that the person stare out far away. Looking in the distance with a smile on their face. They were thinking, "What a wonderful place I live in but I feel useless."

Remember. Was the person saying things you don't understand? Because the person was so nervous in case you think they are stupid and useless?

You won't remember all this. It's the same with me. I won't remember all that. I was busy, a lame excuse we all use to save ourselves. In truth, we regret. "If only I had called, if only I had sensed it."

There is regret. There is hope.

I was once suicidal. Thinking what is my purpose living now. Why am I still living when others have died. Through old age, accidents, war, diseases, even suicides. Why do I still live?

I can't say I believe or not in God. Yet I seek His guidance, selfishly seeking it.

I want to feel that I belong. That I am not useless. Not matter how small is my part in this world, I want to be useful, to be felt needed.

Even if finding myself in a course I don't like, in a group of friends that sometimes I care or not, in a room that I feel alone.

I want to be felt needed.


Happy Anniversary, Teddy!

Sorry for the solemn post above, it was to build up the suspense. You know I just love to bully you a bit.

Sorry again to readers but it's true, I did nearly commit suicide though the scars are gone now.

Yes, I'm horrible for posting this, making you feel all guilty for saying STUPID to suicides.
ps: Better not highlight the blank or you'll get offended. I DID warn you!
Oh, I forgot I disabled highlight to avoid copies! Well, never mind, better not to know, right?

Just let me off this once. 

After all, at 12am midnight is Teddy's and my 1st anniversary.

It has been a long tiring 1 year journey.

From friends, we became best friends.

Then lovers. Though there was a misunderstanding.

Okay, the misunderstanding was my part. I thought he rejected me. XD

But, yeah.

Happy Anniversary!

I never thought I'll be in love for a year.

My relationships never did last long before (a month, 3 months and about 6 months?).

And so, we are now a year in our relationship. YAY!

And, Teddy, the feeling of joy and content in the beginning of this post.

They are caused by you.

Thank you for always being by my side.

I love you so much, Teddy.

ps: Don't worry. I never think of suicide anymore. But these people who say STUPID should really reflect on themselves first before labeling others. To me, they're the STUPID ones! 

Anyone offended? Take it to the comments box! I'll be happy to debate with you.
Just a warning, you MIGHT get more offended. *Evil laugh


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